Yer 10 Commandments, innit?

Boredom is a terrible thing. Even worse is the boredom that strikes when you’re trying really hard to write a well-argued post with lots of interesting stuff in it. I do not find writing easy, and knowing that people like Douglas Adams and Gustave Flaubert didn’t either is no comfort whatsoever. So, while struggling to produce several hundred words of passable prose, my brain occasionally jooks up an alley and starts exploring the side streets.

Anyway, at some point I needed to look up the Ten Commandments, not that they turned out to be any use for what I was working on. However, I did wonder what they would look like in modern, vulgar language with all specific references to God removed.

It turns out there’s only one that specifically references the existence of a deity, since Commandment 1 basically says “I am the boss, no fraternising with the other gangs because I am one hell of a bastard when I’m jealous”. So I cleaned that one up a bit. Here’s what I came up with. Enjoy. Or not. I’m not doing this to make a point, it’s just a bit of fun.

  1. This is a moral code, stick to it. No cherry-picking.
  2. Don’t worship lumps of rock, wood or mystical paintings, even if they’re any good. Which they generally aren’t.
  3. No swearing unless it’s really justified.
  4. Take at least one day off a week, it’s good for you. And no cheating by making someone else do the hard work. Everyone gets a proper day off, even the animals.
  5. No dumping Granny on the hospital when you go on holiday. Look after her, she looked after you when you were a snotty little tyke in shitty underwear.
  6. Don’t commit murder.
  7. Don’t fuck with other people’s partners.
  8. Don’t fuck with other people’s belongings.
  9. Don’t fuck with other people’s reputations.
  10. No stalking, no “keeping up with the Joneses”, no jerking off while fantasising about someone else’s partner.

I swear to you that the last one in particular is pretty close to the spirit of the original. We’re all doomed.


Go on, bother me. You know you want to.

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