On the basis that we should not suffer alone, today we turn our jaundiced eye to the search terms that have brought so many people here over the past 30 days. And weep.
May I just say that I am completely bemused by the number of people who really do search for “what i did in the holidays”? Do teachers still use that nowadays as a first-day-back-at-school essay subject to keep the class quiet?
Right, let’s get cracking. From experience: there will be misspellings, misconceptions and Muse (now there’s a band with some bizarre fans). There will be strange uses of the word ‘spiky’ and even stranger instances of Rule 34. Some will inspire comment, others are best just boggled at before moving swiftly on. We’ll start gently, with the variants on ‘spiky’:
- spiky reforms – Uh-huh
- fat madame with spinky boy – Rule 34 already?
- small spiky h – Someone was looking for a fancy font? Otherwise I’m stumped
- short, spiky heartburn
- (what is a) spiky bacteria – Possibly they had vague images of the HIV virus in mind
- spiky sores
- android spykky bluetooth
- are spiky vibrators healthy to use? – Not unless you have a cat’s vagina, which has to accommodate this
- ask spiky admins – There doesn’t appear to be a site called “Ask Spiky”, so this is a mystery as well
- spiky starling
- error en el spiky
- how to make back of head spikey
That was pretty weird. How about a quick detour via the antivax brigade? For example, they need to learn how to spell:
- tocsin in the cervical cancer vaccination
… although I’m impressed they actually know the word ‘tocsin’, if not what it means. I got 4 hits with that search, by the way. What next? How about some cancer quackery?
- can burzynski help metastatic melanoma – All the evidence so far says no
- cost of burzynski treatment – The cost of the treatment is TOO DAMN HIGH
- burzynski cancer treatment black market – This one scares me
- why are private contributions to burzynski’s research prohibited – Because the good Doctor wants you to write the cheques to him personally
- burzynski and vitamin d – I don’t think those two belong in the same breath. Yet
- cancer status piss take – Enough said
As an antidote to pseudomedical parasites preying on the terminally ill, what about some lurve for my fellow bloggers fighting to get some sense out into the whackosphere?
- oddsocket compensation
- bonus at acleron – No, it is not true that I pay people to comment here
- rhys morgan pharma bitch – It’s amazing just how much hate can be directed towards a 17-year-old who thinks for himself and dares to write about it. I suspect that being cited as An Example To Follow by hugely popular and respected French medical programme Le Magazine de la santé or being mentioned in The Guardian can’t help.
- archaic teapot blog – I’m really not that out of touch, am I?
I haven’t posted any fluffy cat pictures recently, but there have been animal videos. Somehow, I think I’m really going to regret this:
- unprobable orca – Eh?
- bully whales eat sharks – That’s not bullying, it’s predation
- ferret carrying bag – OK, I’m regretting it
- symptoms of barbary duck – They include going “quack!” and tasting great with orange or apricot sauce
- homeopathy marsupials – Marsupials have many faults, but as far as I know believing in homeopathy isn’t one of them
I think I’d better get the rest of the fringe therapy lunacy over with quickly.
- can magnectic clay – Can it what? Explain yourself. Or are you looking for magnetic clay in a can? Stop mumbling, man.
- total complete chelated mineral – That sounds like a really great insult: “You are a total, complete chelated mineral and I’m filing for divorce.”
- clays of the week – They have special offers on clay????
- supplements are worthless – On the whole, yes, but I now have those words stuck in my head to the theme tune from M.A.S.H.
- homeopathy short name – Water. You’re welcome.
- i’m looking for an excellent homeopathist in london specialising in treating depression – Can’t help you there, but maybe you’d be interested in buying this bridge? It’s going cheap.
- anas barbariae immagini – I think that’s Italian for ‘Oscillococcinum’
- reiki expensive bollocks – Yes, I suppose I did use up a lot of time and electrons to say exactly that
- technique to clean uterus with reiki – Oh dear god, I’m going to have to use the dread phrase ‘stupid cunt’ in all seriousness, aren’t I?
- reiki illuminati – Yes, yes, it’s probably one of the techniques handlers use to control sleeper slaves. Now go take your meds
- teapot therpies – Ah, now you’re talking. I presume you’re looking for wctb therapy
- do you have a picture of vitalism – Um, what?
- happy disorder – It’s probably also known as reiki, but don’t quote me on that
Of course, we could just have lumped it all under:
- bat shit crazy modern mystery school
Couldn’t have put it better myself. Hmm, what other horrors lie before us? I’d better get the celebs over before the WTFometer is taken out of storage (we had to insulate it in a lead-lined concrete bunker 100m underground for Sarkozy’s multiple-channel TV egofest last night). Now, I warn you, it’s strong stuff:
- matt bellamy penis
I kid you not, there are weirdos out there looking for pictures of this guy’s schlong. Muse have some really fucking bizarre fans. Look, he’s got one, he appears to have worked out how to use it and can we move on now? Thank you.
- dave grohl antivax – This smacks of desperation from the antiscience crowd
- tony stark hangover remedy – Look sunshine: Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, is a fictional character
- kirk cameron penis – Oh, FFS. Is this blog developing into a pecker perv magnet? Come back, Muse stalker, all is (almost) forgiven
- michele bachmann has nice nipples – Probably more pleasant to look at than the tits still in the race for the GOP nomination, but I still wouldn’t.
Non-sequitur time: from Bachmann to gaybashing;
- rather have a dead father than a homosexual father – I hope to god that this was someone searching for the Allout.org petition, because otherwise it’s really fucking sick and scary
- my gay son is dead – Possibly someone else looking for the same petition. You did sign, didn’t you?
- i hate focus on the family – They’re sad, self-loathing twats, better pitied than hated
- transgender delusion – Is someone looking for a TG version of The Pod Delusion, or are they trying to convince themselves, in the teeth of all the evidence, that there’s no such thing as transgender?
- andromeda homosexual cancerous – Oh, for… And we’re supposed to tell troubled teenagers that it gets better. Then you get loons like this who’ve obviously been hitting the ‘shrooms while listening to some MK-ultra-rightwing closet case sound off about their favourite subject. Anti-gay-rights campaigners are far more obsessed with gay sex than gays are. Fact.
What next? How about some miscellaneous teapottery? I have no idea what inspired these:
- “world health organization” teapot
- helios teapot
- how to coordinate different shades of pink
- lavender whimsy getty
- hadron collider fancy dress
Oh good grief, I am so not going there with that last one. Any more, erm, unusual science?
- boiled pudding in cloth science
- chicken pox cant go under rain
Sex, excluding the fetishist porn and voyeuristic hunts for entertainers’ dongs?
- one weird tip for sex
- 1 weird trick to sex
For those who’ve forgotten that scam, the “one weird trick” was for slimming, not shagging. Time for some conspiraloonies?
- illuminati dinosaurs
- news from andromeda council for 2012
They really should have signed up to the mailing list. *shakes bag* That’s the big stuff, there’s just a few crumbs left. I’ll empty them out onto the table and we’re done. This one’s a cracker:
- someone who looks to ruin everyone life
Any antivax loon, for starters.
- oh ill show you a photobomb
- i have a banana penis (I swear this one is real)
Dominic Howard, you naughty, naughty boy. Now I’ve got weirdos looking for pictures of your bandmate’s todger. Last, and most definitely least:
- intelligent comment on nonsense
Well, you’ll get that on any skeptical blog, really. Or you could buy Ben Goldacre’s Bad Science, or Singh & Ernst’s Trick or Treatment? You’re not going to get it in a post like this. Be strong: normal disservice will be resumed tomorrow.
- Why Write About Alternative Medicine? Part Two: Entertainment (jdc325.wordpress.com)
- Some Afternoon Illuminati Files Pure Comedy: Maury Does A Devil DNA Test On Baby Blue Ivy (bossip.com)