Searchindipity for April 2012: Witless Huckster Awareness Week

There are still oddballs out there in the whackosphere, but this month’s crop is rather disappointing as far as cheap laughs at the expense of the befuddled go. They have either smartened up or gone elsewhere. They’ll be back. In the meantime, everybody please note: there is only one joke about acupuncturists, on top of the whole concept being a joke, obviously. I should probably also point out to the person who wrote what wrong whit the sentence my glorious domain that a sentence requires a verb. Spelling is Advanced Rules, so we’ll discuss that later.

It’s educational to see that many people actually use ‘WTF’ in their search terms: e.g. WTF is an attunement? I’m not convinced that this will always produce the required results, unless you’re looking for an enraged debunking of Stupidity over at Plague of Mice – which, to be fair, was probably the case in the example given. This most likely also applies to what the fuck is reiki?

Other than that: the ‘weird trick’ ads continue to raise sceptical eyebrows; people who don’t understand reiki or bipolar disorder continue to hope the one can treat the other; the possible link between shingles and multiple sclerosis (and no, there is no herpes zoster conspiracy); a lot of funvax-related stuff with a guest appearance by the ever-reliable Andromeda council. Dr Hotze’s extremely dodgy clinic and online supplement business generate some traffic, with some amusing misspellings of his moniker. Clearly I’m not the only one to have noticed the close phonetic resemblance to a well-known Internet meme. Other medics, real or self-proclaimed, have made their regular guest appearance: Burzynski, the cancer scammer, and the Shoeless Shagger (I assume he’s the one referred to by barefoot lfucking blog) are in the top two. A few homeopaths, including the despicable Francine Scrayen, make up the rest.

Homeopaths. Ah, the homeopaths. They spread FUD and mysticism masquerading as science, talk outright bollocks in a patronising manner and don’t seem to appreciate people like me very much. They also generate some very strange search terms indeed:

  • homeopathy new world order – I say, that’s a bit totalitarian.
  • homeopathy reverses cancer – no, it fucking doesn’t.
  • homeopathy karmic correction – OK, let’s be having it: how do you make homeopathic karma? Or is this the mechanical correction you get with reading glasses or orthopedic soles? Orthopedic souls?
  • how to make semen sweeter with homeopathic medicine – I don’t actually advise doing this, but that would only be possible if you shoved a sugar pill up your urethra. Look, son, there’s a wide range of flavoured condoms available. Pick one your partner likes and remember: if you want them to fellate, you should reciprocate.
  • overdose in homeopathy for sexual – Sexual what? C’mon man, don’t leave me hanging like this.
  • rocking re homopathy – SBM (Science-Based Music) has people like Baba Brinkmann and ZDoggMD. Homeopathy has – what? GOOPneth Paltrow? I rest my case.
  •  lot question on sex homeopathy – Er yes. Your homeopath may be a perv, especially if he/she is responsible for the next search term.
  • mens butts is short how to big homeo method – This person is probably not a qualified proctologist.

Ah well, there you go. Just when you think you’ve fully covered the insanity that is homeopathy and its offshoot, isopathy, they find fresh tomfoolery to astound you. This may explain why the terms übercuntery and recedit ad anum have been incorporated into other vocabularies than mine. Thank you. It has been my life’s ambition to develop a new profanity. Now I need to find a way of making money out of it. Talking of making money:

  • why are chiropractors so cheesy? – Because they’re salesmen, not medics
  • why is fasting called the fountain of youth? – Marketing. Admittedly, if you fast without medical approval and supervision for any length of time, there’s a real chance you might never grow old. Unfortunately, it’s not called rejuvenation; it’s called dying.

How about the reiki crowd?

  • can reiki heal penis pain – (insert joke about the cool hand of the Temple Maiden here)

Okay. Fine. We’ll maybe not linger here, in case the Crazy jumps us from behind a bulkhead and turns us into lunch. Here are a couple of odd ones from the world of music:

  • radio gaga effects – Are we talking about the mighty musical powers of Queen, or EM tinfoil hattery?
  • ian howell zip up – WTF? While we should probably be grateful that for once the most bizarre phrases aren’t coming from the Muse fans, I do find the idea of a countertenor who zips up the back somewhat disturbing. Of course, if your star singer gets taken poorly just before a concert, a whole-body suit for the understudy might just be the ideal ploy to keeping paying bums on seats for the whole of the run. Hmm. We may have accidentally unearthed a scam here. I must investigate further.

By the way, if anyone finds a rhinocerous teapot, it would go beautifully next to my camel-shaped one.

As always, I’ve saved the nuttiest for last, if only because once again it has left me speechless. Brace yourselves. This one is on a par with the instructions for use on an airline toothpick, although a tad more NSFW:

  • strange warning labels my vibrator warns not to put it in the oven.

Er…

… WTF?

I’ll have that very large drink now, please.

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