The Grammar And Science Police

This is inspired by a bloody ancient post I found floating around the Web archives. It was originally written by somebody else and intended for a specific alt-dot newsgroup (remember them?). I thought I’d update it a bit, to suit modern needs.

G.A.S.P. Official Document

A warrant is hereby issued for the detainment of one [INSERT NAME HERE], on charges of:

( ) Repeated violations of the bylaws of [NAME OF FORUM]
( ) Repeated posting of spam
( ) Repeated use of truly horrendous grammar
( ) Repeated use of truly horrendous logic
( ) Use of That Question
( ) Impersonating an Officer of the G.A.S.P.
( ) Being a total wiener

Suspect is to be:

( ) Arrested
( ) Arrested and held without bail
( ) Arrested and held without food or water
( ) Arrested and held upside down in a vat of motor oil
( ) Arrested and put on the next one-way mission to Mars

Officers of the Grammar and Science Police are hereby authorized to use force in the apprehension of said suspect, up to and including the use of:

( ) Links to easily understood explanatory articles
( ) Polite language
( ) Harsh language
( ) Saying “Ni!”
( ) Mockery
( ) Memes
( ) The Holy Hand Grenade
( ) GPS guided cruise missiles
( ) Thermonuclear munitions
( ) Asteroids dropped from orbit
( ) Antimatter
( ) Sarcasm

Suspect is to be apprehended:

( ) Alive
( ) Alive if possible
( ) Whatever
( ) With a broom and dustpan

By the Order of:
signature and rank of issuing GASP officer


Go on, bother me. You know you want to.

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